NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the frontyard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morningfor that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge acrossthe room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the humanfalls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gentlyto show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot.Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in themiddle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately beforelicking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch yourhuman a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard andupsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so theywon't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of eachhole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in theground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for thefamily dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is yourduty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially whenthere are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor.It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as muchof the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master ormistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all yourhumans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use theflower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catchthem. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
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