Applications are invited for the position of Departmental Brown Nose.



Position Description:



It is common practice in the computing industry for senior members of

staff to have their planning strategies subject to positive evaluation.

This is commonly referred to outside the industry as 'being sucked up

to'.  This practice is typically performed by a person of  low or

irrelevant technical standing, wishing to distinguish themselves by their

presence and input at meetings for which they have a minimal or no

understanding.  Complimenting and Agreeing with senior staff and their

poorly thought-out plans is the typical implementation of this

position.  The position is typically advertised under a job-pseudonym

and regarded without notification by other members of staff, usually at

a departmental social function to which the applicant is not invited.



Position Requirments



* Applicants are to be familiar with the following phrases:



  - Really?  That's a great idea!



  - Oh, I agree wholeheartedly!



  - That's such a good plan, it's surprising that no one thought of

    it before!



  - You know, without you this place would fall apart!



  - Of course, he's bound to say that because he's not as aware of

    the full ramifications of the problem as we are.



  - Is this far enough up?



* Applicants should have relevant experience in:



  - Work Avoidance



  - Evading Real Issues



  - Vocalising the word "Yes"



* Applicants should NOT possess any of the following:



  - Social Skills



  - Technical Competance, except in remembering irrelevant facts



  - Conscience



  - The sense God gave the common doormat



* Applicants MUST possess the following:



  - A "gushy" affirmative manner



  - The "Chameleon Factor" -- the ability to assume the characteristics

    and mannerisms of senior staff



  - An immunity to RSI of the jaw and ear (due to the large amount of

    talking and listening in place of working and producing)



  - A diehard loyal attitude which cannot be swayed, except by other

    senior staff, absence of senior staff, public opinion,

    office-bribery,  an unfavourable comment at the office party,
     an invite to the office party or invite to clean up after an office party.



  - Exceptionally high morals which will not be swayed except by public

    opinion, office-bribery, senior staff, office party comments &

    invites or the possibility of getting their photo or name in some 
     technical
  journal.



  - Homing skills allowing the applicant to orbit senior staff and

     thereby avoid the unlikely event of having to produce work output.



A working knowledge of Anal Interfacing would be beneficial.



Position Future



The future of the position is similar in an least one respect to the

senior staff member reported to, in that it is 'open-ended'.  It is

dependant entirely upon performance, but a successful applicant might

expect salary increases for no appreciable performance improvement,

several extra important-sounding position titles, and business cards to

reflect the multitude of managerial positions that they will assume.



The salary scale is expected to be within the range of

ludicrously-overpaid to how-the-fuck-do-they-get-away-with-this?



Applications should be made on the toilet paper assigned and be

accompanied by the applicants CV (which should detail only the

applicants name and address) and a 2 page essay on why this

advertisement was exceptionally well written and how we appoint such

exceptional personel officers.





Copyright (c) Simon Travaglia