A Letter From Visa To Bill Gates

	25 September 1995



From:   Citiwide FSB

	666 Avenue of the Americas

	New York NY 10023



To:     Mr. William Z Grates the 8th esq.

	Tin Pot Software Inc.

	1 Virus Way

	Windowville PX 90210



Ref.:   Your Gold Visa Card Credit Application





Dear Mr. Grates



We thank you for your recent written application for a Gold

Visa Card with our esteemed establishment.



Prior to issuance of your new Gold Visa Card there are a number

of items on the application which require further explanation.



1). The entry for your last name appears to be erroneous.

Unfortunately we can find no record on our database of

over 4.5 billion people world wide who have a last name of

"God".



2). Social security numbers are normally 9 digits long and have

a specific format of ###-##-####. Your entry of simply "1" does

not meet the aforementioned criteria.



3). The characteristics of a normal address are firstly a number

followed by the name of a road. Subsequent lines usually include

a city, a state of residence and a zip or postal code. An

identifying country for overseas applicants should also be

included. Regrettably your submission of "Heaven" is inappropriate.



4). Although the formats of dates of birth vary from country to

country the requirement as indicated on our application specifically

asks for "Month - Day - Year" format. Day 1 just does not cut it.



5). With reference to the line marked occupation we note that

you wrote "Master of the Universe". As is the norm for all new

applications, we checked both the personal references you

supplied and received a somewhat different answer, to whit;



Reference A says:

The last I knew he was planning this huge scam which involved

some massive blue chip company in New York and he was going to

sell them a right bill of goods for millions and millions

of dollars. He said not only was he going to get a shit load

of money but after it was a done deal and they read the small

print they would find that all they had bought was a load of

floppy plastic things. The stuff on them still belonged to him

and each time they tried to sell one of these things they would

have to send him a kick back. He said the best of it was though,

was that he still hadn't dreamed up what to put on the floppy

plastic things and he could make any old crap up.



Reference B says:

During our days at school together I was always disgusted at the

peddling and pimping which he undertook. The sale of dirty

needles, bad acid, dried tea leaves mixed with the cannabis,

cocaine diluted with talcum powder, water mixed with the vodka

and whiskey and of course all the prostitutes had to have either

VD or gonorrhea. The fast money he made for the shitty services

he provided and a take it or leave it attitude certainly left a

bad taste in many of his punters' mouths (and their bloodstream).



6). The box for annual income clearly has sufficient room for a

standard entry of up to 7 digits. The $2,000,000,000.00 you

tried to fit in their cannot be read by our digital imaging

computer (which we note is running on Tin Pot Software) and we

ask that you amend this to a size more in line with the

available technology.



Furthermore, should you insist on including a figure which is

almost as large as the national debt we will of course require

proof of income which should be in the form of a recent weekly

pay stub or a pay packet if you are paid in cash.



7). We have on our applications numerous boxes for existing

financial obligations, mortgage payments, car payments, alimony,

other regular financial commitments and miscellaneous. We are

unable to accept "I own you" and "You owe me" as suitable

answers to these questions and we ask that you refrain from

being supercilious in your reply.



8). Finally, we always include a couple of lines entitled

"Please list any other pertinent information which may help us

in assessing your application". Regrettably your answer of

"Please see attached" is inadmissible especially when we found a

35,000 word diatribe in manuscript format accompanying your

application. Further review of this manuscript led us to believe

that your intentions are not altogether in keeping with the

goodness of our fellow man, specifically:



a). You wanted the manuscript published in the New York

Times and the Washington Post.



b). O J is as guilty as hell



c). Michael Jackson is a pedophile



d). Serbia should be nuked out of existence



e). Saddam is a wuss



f). Orville Redenbacher made crappy popcorn



g). President Clinton is an arsehole and so is Bill



h). Tin Pot software is crash proof



i). I am God and I am never wrong



And other seemingly endless manifestations and propaganda which

are far too lengthy to go into here.



You may reply in a similar format as to the outline of this

document and until such time as we receive your reply we regret

to inform that on this occasion your application for a GOLD VISA

CARD has been "DENIED".



Should you have any comments or suggestions you may write

directly to:

The Equal Opportunities and Fair Trades Commission

666 Avenue of the Americas

New York NY 10023



and mark your envelope



"Another stupid crybaby who has been refused credit"



Yours faithfully







The Credit Department.



________________________________________________________________

This material was conceived, written, composed and presented by:

Steve Warrington. You are free to make copies but please

acknowledge the author.