AGE HAPPENS

• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, Who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. (Phyllis Diller)
• The longer I live, the less future there is to worry about.
• Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
• Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. (Woody Allen)
• Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
• The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
• Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
• If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.
• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything
• My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day he took me aside and left me there.
• I'm so old that bartenders check my pulse instead of my ID.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. (Groucho Marx)
• There's one advantage to being 102: no peer pressure. (Dennis Wolfberg)
• Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
• They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keiller)
• My uncle reads the obits every day. He can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• Big deal! I'm used to dust! (Erma Bombeck's requested gravestone epitaph)